You, sir, are NO lady!

My husband of 8 years is the inspiration for this post. You see my friends, he is the reason the phrase “don’t shit where you eat” was created. Let me give you some background:

*we met in 2002
*he was 41
*i was 27 with a toddler
*both of us were single
*i just opened a coffee-house
*his firehouse was just behind my shop

You were warned...

You were warned…

When I opened the Celestial Cafe, Hubs(not his real name) was a frequent flyer. An employee of mine, who had worked for the previous shop owner, knew him well. (At least, she thought she did.) Even customers would talk to me about what a catch he was. I would hear the story of how he was recently divorced. How he was taken for quite the ride by his ex-wife. How they were high school sweethearts that went their separate ways, only to find each other years later. He had never married. She was trying to flee a terrible marriage. He had no kids. She had 3. (Cue the sad music and someone call the Lifetime Movie Network.)

Put all that together with a handsome bastard wearing nighthitch and you have yourself a recipe for getting laid. A LOT!

Did I forget to mention he had pups?  Women eat that shit up!

Did I forget to mention he had puppies?    Women eat that shit up!

This is where we circle back to the matter at hand – not shitting where you eat. It seems he had a rather rusty moral compass. Apparently, Hubs wasn’t one to venture outside city limits or his own backyard, if you know what I mean. (Now – I was no Vestal Virgin, but I made sure my “Whore Passport” was stamped in far away lands.)

So, last week, while I was pumping gas and chatting with one of the locals, I started to wonder if she knew that I knew that back in the day she and Hubs had a one-night stand.  Then, I got to thinking about all the others I run into regularly (there are several roaming free). “I wonder if they know that I know…” is playing on a constant loop in my head as they have benign chit-chat with me.

I also wonder if they are having a similar conversation in their own heads as they talk to me about the weather and other boring shit. Are they asking themselves, “I wonder if she knows I slept with him?” I just want so badly to blurt out “I KNOW” and “THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A HOT MESS AND CLEARING THE WAY FOR ME”.

For those of you reading this, my husband and I have no secrets.  We know way more about each other than most people can believe.  In fact, my husband’s friends practically fall over when the response to, “Dude, what would Amy say if she found out?” is met with “She does.”

I do.

I do.

Truth be told I cannot wait to tell Hubs, “guess who I ran into today” and how this makes for a great story on my blog!

Suffice it to say, we save a fortune on marriage counseling!

Xo, Amy

10 thoughts on “You, sir, are NO lady!


  2. You sure know how to own the akwardness. This was the funniest post I’ve read in a long time. I look forward to the day that you call one of these women out!

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